So, my life is unbelievably boring lately. The only things that are new in my life are my decision to stay living at home until after I finish my bachelor of business and the latest Sims 3 expansion pack. Speaking of which, I need to buy it.
So yes, my decision to remain living with my mother and sister until at least halfway through 2014 is almost purely financial, but it gives me the freedom to still take holidays, finally get my life together before I move out, and of course, have my washing and cooking done for me.
Also, apparently all my technology is going to fail on me at once, my phone has stopped working properly, my macbook isn't holding charge very well and my iPod has been slowly dieing for a while now, so I'm going to have to save up and sort that out.
And now, for the second half of this blog, for something a little different, a quick list of 5 things that I love and 5 things that I don't love. Just for a little insight into me as a person.
Firstly, the list of 5 things I love:
- Wearing bright colours! It makes me feel better when I'm in a bad mood and it brightens life up a little.
- The Sims 3. No questions asked, this is the greatest game EA have ever released and I will always love The Sims franchise.
- My pretty blue Lancer, even though it has it's fair share of dints, I love it to death. However, I don't have a license because I bought my car to learn to drive then never bothered. Public transport is better for the environment anyway.
- Reading long books because if I really like a book I'd rather it was super long, that way I can read it for longer.
- Cats! I know that sounds a bit crazy, but I grew up with two cats in my house and I got my own cat when my dad left and his cat died. I love that cats are easy to look after and they just lay around and don't do much.
And for the list of 5 things I don't love:
- Spiders. I'm a true arachnophobia, the kind who has panic attacks over any spider with a leg span bigger than an Australian 20cent piece. Even little ones make sleeping a hard thing for me.
- Wet hair is my biggest pet peeve, it drives me insane, I just don't like the feeling of it sitting on my neck and back.
- The sound that thongs (of flip-flops for all non-Australians) make when people walk. I feel like they are walking in a puddle all the time and it makes me uncomfortable.
- While I love the taste of coffee, I don't love that it makes your teeth yellow, and that I can't drink it without at least 3 sugars because it is so bitter.
- All over the internet, especially facebook and twitter, are people who either can't or won't use proper English. It drives me insane to see every second post have either an obvious spelling error, or obvious grammatical errors. The worst is that people don't understand between then and than. You do one thing THEN another, you do one thing rather THAN another. Sort it out people, it's not that difficult.
So, now you guys know me a little better, I'd like anyone who reads this the entire way through to post a comment telling me 5 things about yourself because I want to get to know you as well.
I've been in Queensland a full month now. I can't say I like it all that much more, but I certainly don't hate it as much as I did the first week. We had the internet and home phone cut off a month ago, and to be honest, it's given me time to do more productive things with my time than blog, check facebook, tweet something, check facebook again and then google something I didn't need to know.
I'm officially a university student, however I'm only completing a TPP so I am able to get into the degree I want to do. Speaking of which, I found out that a friend of mine is applying to do the same course on the same campus in Brisbane as I am applying to. This made me excited because the one thing that had been making me toss between studying that degree and in Brisbane as opposed to a different degree and in Melbourne, was the thought that I'd be entirely alone in Brisbane. And being my paranoid self, I wasn't sure I'd be able to take that risk. However, now knowing that someone I know might be there, I'm most certainly going to apply.
I've also made a few subtle changes. I've gone back to having blonde hair, which I am so much more comfortable with. I've also, for some reason unknown to myself, become a lot more feminine. I painted my nails just because, I got dressed in all black and white with jewelry for uni, and I've been wearing more makeup than usual.
On account of knowing a few people here, I've also managed to have my first concert and night out drinking already. The RSL club had a U2 Tribute band come to play, and my aunt and uncle and a bunch of their friends decided to go, so I decided to tag along. I got all dressed up (in a dress and everything) and went out. My uncle decided to feed me drinks all night, and by 10.30 when the band was done I was pretty drunk. We then decided to walk halfway across the city centre to a tavern where I, who hates rum, decided to drink a rum and coke. My mum then dragged me home because my uncle was too drunk to speak, so we all called it a night. I also met the guy who invented the electric violin, and studied one of the degrees I want to. It was the best night I've had since I got here. Most nights however, I filled with my mother and sister pointlessly yelling at each other and driving me insane, my mother using some sort of condescending tone to ruin any thing, and a lot of tv.
I'm excited because two months from tomorrow, I am flying back to my not so lovely home town for my best friends 18th birthday. It means I'll get to catch up with the 3 people I still bother to keep contact with from back there, and it'll be a nice cold change from the Queensland climate. The only thing I'm not keen for, is the 3 hour layover in Sydney, which essentially means I'll be spending around 2 hours wandering through an airport alone. Being alone doesn't tend to bode well with me, and it makes me anxious to think about it. I'm sure it'll be worth it to see some of my favourite people though.
Right now though, I've just finished watching Old Dogs and I'm going to go to bed and probably watch youtube videos until I feel tired enough to sleep. This weekend is going to be a quite one, maybe a few visits here or there, but mostly quite. Then I have a free Monday, two classes on Tuesday, free Wednesday, one class on Thursday and free Friday. Somewhere in there I need to finally get my student ID done, and buy my study desk. Lucky I have plenty of free time though right?
Having not even lived in Hervey Bay a full week yet, and having already learnt to hate this place is possibly a world record or something. Don't get me wrong, I haven't had much of a chance to explore or meet people or really do much in the past 5 days, but the amass of things that have gone against me wanting to live here are starting to take their toll on me.
The starting point is the heat. Being from a cold, mountainous region, I'm barely used to heat, much less humidity. So it's killing me to be sweaty all the time. I don't like to shower everyday because it's bad for your hair and skin to be over-washed, so it's driving me insane. The rain comes in fast and heavy with little warning, as does the wind and the tide, we're currently being warned of flash flooding, and I have no experience with rain this heavy. And certainly no experience with the ocean and it's king tides.
The second massive point is to do with me having nothing to do for the next 6 months because, due to the lack of available flights and such, I missed all the study enrollment days and therefore can't study, and the availability of jobs is kind of ridiculous here.
The third occurred last night, and was possibly one of the most scary and mentally damaging moments of my entire life, and believe me, my life has been no ray of sunshine, so it was a hard thing for me. Due to my dog being brought up in an area with very little danger to herself if she were to ingest something, she has never learnt to not eat strange animals. So last night, due my sister being an ignorant child and not feeding the dogs like my mother had asked her to do before dark, my dog found a cane toad, bit it and got poisoned. She began vomiting, before frothing at the mouth and having fits. Thank god my mother managed to stay calm enough to call my aunty who rushed over (almost without a shirt on) and brought her husband and they, due to being locals, knew what to do.
Luckily, and somewhat surprisingly, my dog is now entirely fine, and was for some reason super happy to go to the vet to have a check up because nobody actually knew what was wrong with her last night, so we had to take her to a vet to be sure. There is still a slight possibility she is epileptic though.
So I would like to thank my family for forcing my to move 1500 kilometers from any of my friends, to a place where the weather, wildlife and future prospects neither suit me nor will they ever. I'd like to thank my sister for almost destroying any faith I had left in her being a decent human being and me ever being able to live here, and for generally making my life more difficult than it needs to be. And I'd genuinely like to thank my Aunt and uncle for attempting to make this easier on me, because spending most nights trying not to cry over everything I've left behind, and the lost opportunities, is one of the hardest things I've had to do. And the photo up the very top, is the lovely weather as seen from my front yard, sorry about the quality, it was taken with my webcam through the front window.
As most of you know from my million posts about moving, I am now a resident of Queensland. Hervey Bay to be exact. I'm living in a lovely house in the lovely suburb of Point Vernon, which has ocean in all directions except inland. I've gotten used to the humidity and the heat rather quickly, which is surprising since I come from a place that has no humidity most of the time. I do have to essentially redo my entire waredrobe to suit the climate and style, but I will get there in time, because it has to match my personal style, which has actually changed, so I don't really own anything I want to wear anyway.
As for the only piece of advice I have for anyone right now: don't make plans, because plans don't often work out in the way you imagine. So set a goal, and take the journey as it comes. That way you can't be disappointed when things go awry, and you can enjoy every step you take on the way to that goal. And learn to laugh, at everything. There is no other way to really handle anything, because if you can't laugh then you can't enjoy life. Take it as it comes, and laugh when it all goes wrong.
Australia is a self proclaimed nation that allows free thought, free speech and free actions. This means that people are supposedly born with choices. However, while everyone applauds those who say this, they do not realise what some people miss out on. They do not realise that deep within society are family pressures that take away this freedom and the ability to make choices for themselves. That thanks to the way this government has set up this country, and the way this country was and still is established, people are more often than not, unable to make free choices in this country.
My entire life has been determined by what my mother wants, and moving to Queensland is just another example of it. The closest I've come to being able to make my own decisions in this small minded, tight knit community of people who repress any sort of intelligent life form that threatens their structure, is to choose my own subjects at school. And lets be honest, because my community is so against people branching out there were a small selection to begin with.
Short of abandoning my family and taking refuge in another persons home for a the next two years, I have nothing I can do to make my own decisions. I was forced into this move. When we get there, I will be forced into paying the bills because my mother never made the choice to get an education and thus a good job, she chose to be a waitress all her life. Because of the choice of location I will be forced into studying the course I want to study via correspondence. Even though my name will be on the lease of the house, I will get no say in anything that happens within said house. Mum intends on having a uni student move in, mum intends on reconnecting the phone and internet with a specific company that I dislike, mum gets to make all the decisions, and I get to pay for it.
I'm sick of being the person that has to deal with everything my mother cannot. She makes so many commitments to so many things, and mostly they are costing her money, and almost always I have to bail her out. It's not my job, at not even 19 years old, to spend my money cleaning up after her. She should stop and sort out what she can afford before dragging me into her messes. But I don't get a choice. It's go along with everything she wants or basically end up with no future, no home to live in, no qualifications, no ability to create the future I envision myself living and nothing to rely on. I don't want to be like that, I've grown up with two parents who never did anything but live on what they earn and never saved a cent. My father was a high school drop out and my mother finished year 12 when her eldest daughter did.
I want to be able to say that I am better than that, I want to have the ability to make my dreams come true, and with the position I am being forced into right now, it's not going to happen. I will not be putting my name on a lease after this year, I will be moving out in 12 months, paying my own way through life and then moving overseas where I feel I belong better. I will be selling my car in 6 months and I will be putting the money into a saving account and nobody can stop me. It's the end of the line, I turn 19 in 20 days and I will not be held back by people who never got anywhere in life.
I'm sick of everyone giving me hour long lectures about sucking it up for my mother and moving to Queensland for her. Everyone sees things from her side because she has no life, no friends, no money and now, no possessions. I have things, I have money, I have a future, and while I only have a few of them, I have friends. I have the ability to get away, and I'm sick of people not seeing things from this side, the side that has never had a choice in the matter, the side that gets dragged along no matter what, the side that would still have to suffer even if she didn't put any effort into helping with this ridiculous adventure.
I don't want to move, I don't want to act as my mothers bank account constantly, I don't want to have everything I've ever saved for and bought for myself to be used however she sees fit, and I will not put up with it forever. 2 years is my limit in this country. 1 year is my limit in a house with her. 6 months is the limit for my bank account to sit on empty for everyone else. I'm done playing along with everyone elses ride, I'm building my own track and starting my own ride. This is my life, and I will live it as I see fit, despite everyone elses opinions.
You know those days when it's already a bad day, and you've already hit the bottom of your mood scale, yet the world decides to torture you by making nothing go right? I'm having one of those today.
I woke up this morning in an awful mood so I stayed in bed. I just lay in bed until after noon, then decided to get up. Only to find my some what sister here on her lunch break. Now I love Louise, she has been a big part of my life over the past 10 years, but especially in the last year. Over the past few weeks she has taken it upon herself, without actually knowing of my abilities, of the things I do around the house and of the things that are and have been my responsibilities over the past two years, the job of lecturing me every time I breathe. So I got out of bed, in an already bad mood only to receive the longest lecture known to man about how I need to grow up, act my age, start paying the bills which are in fact my mothers bills, start taking responsibility and suck up the fact that we are moving.
Now, as far as moving goes, I think I've come to the understanding that I have no choice and have thus sorted out my intentions for the next two years despite wanting to be approximately 30 hours from the destination which is planned. My level of responsibility around my home often borders on child labour since I am the one who mostly makes sure we are not in debt or having power, phone lines or water cut off or being evicted, so I think I'm plenty capable of handling money and taking responsibility for myself. And as for whatever reasons she has that I am incapable of looking after myself, she should look at her own life and the way her home is run instead of saying that I need to grow up.
So after she left I returned to bed for a little while, to watch more Gossip Girl, because it was my escape route today. Only to find myself spending my afternoon fighting back tears, which I can assure you is a difficult thing for me to do. If it comes to the point I want to cry, and my body actually reaches a point of tears forming, it is obviously effecting me far worse than anyone realises.
It comes to the evening, and my mother has to go and babysit for Louise. She leaves, and reminds me that dinner is cooking. So I decided to wait until the end of the episode of Gossip Girl I was watching to go and get myself some food. When I went to check on the food, it had stuck to the bottom of the pan, everything I tried to touch was destroyed because it was stuck. So I got my food, took it to my room and then people turned up to look at a bed we are selling.
They were two ladies, and one was a blonde with a face that appeared to have had more work done that Heidi Montag to put it nicely. She spent the entire time giving me extremely dirty looks, and I was not at all comfortable with that. However, the other lady seemed nice enough. After they left, they let my dogs out the front door and they like to run away for a minute, so that was fun. Then my sisters small dog refused to come back inside. Instead she went and stood in the backyard until my sister came home and made her come inside. While I was outside trying to make one dog come inside, the other tried to eat my food and it began to rain.
So here I am, with a phone that refuses to do anything that makes it a phone instead of a torch, internet that is barely functioning due to an incompetent provider and family members with no respect towards the capabilities of the internet and the rain pouring outside my bedroom window. I'm not entirely sure my mood could get any worse, but I'm not going to test it because I don't particularly enjoy crying and that is the point I am at right now.
I still don't want to move, I intend on getting a tattoo next month while I'm living with my sister, I have to pay bills for things I'm not using while I stay in Canberra and everyone else is in Hervey Bay and I'm really not sure when I'm going to get there due to a lack of flights. I have 7 nights until the journey begins and who knows how many until it ends. On another note, HSC results and ATAR's are released next week and I know I need a 63.5 and I'm freaking out because I don't think I will get it, and then I have no backup plan. If I don't get those marks, my backup plan is ruined since my first plan was destroyed at the hands of other people.
I hope everyone has a happy holiday period and celebrates in style.
So it's December. It's also 28 days until both the new year and my 19th birthday. After this year having been such an insane mess, I am quite glad to see the new year in. A few small detours in plans have been made, and unfortunately, the disorder of my life right now is starting to mess with my head. This combined with the huge changes headed my way, I'm lost in the maze that is my mind, and nothing is working right. My thoughts are jumbled, my emotions are scattered and worse of all, I can't seem to find the motivation to actually do anything productive because of it all.
Even worse than that, my other, more public blog, has been recently followed by a few people I am quite close to. And while I don't mind that too much, the fact that the person I trust least and live with, that being my younger sister, is now reading my blog, I feel unsafe posting my thoughts on there. With that outlet no longer available, I'm not entirely sure what to do to offload my emotions and thoughts. My inability to talk to people about it is certainly not helping, and I can assure you, I have tried, but it's just not comfortable for me. It's easier to write it all out where anyone can read it, but nobody can really give me feedback.
There are so many things running around that I want to just spit out at the nearest person, but I can't find the words. I just want to curl up in bed for weeks knowing that I'm not even sure where I will be for Christmas or my birthday. I hate not having plans that are set in stone, so it's truly driving me insane. My feelings towards people in general and also specific people are all jumbled too, because I'm sure the stress of everything is just taking a toll in a strange way. If someone would please just sort out all of my issues so I don't have to, I will be very grateful.
I am entirely sure that most of this post did not make sense, and will therefore reflect my thoughts quite well. Since everything is still quite crazy, even outside of my head, I would like to preemptively wish everyone who reads this a happy holidays and a great entrance into the new year.
