Australia is a self proclaimed nation that allows free thought, free speech and free actions. This means that people are supposedly born with choices. However, while everyone applauds those who say this, they do not realise what some people miss out on. They do not realise that deep within society are family pressures that take away this freedom and the ability to make choices for themselves. That thanks to the way this government has set up this country, and the way this country was and still is established, people are more often than not, unable to make free choices in this country.
My entire life has been determined by what my mother wants, and moving to Queensland is just another example of it. The closest I've come to being able to make my own decisions in this small minded, tight knit community of people who repress any sort of intelligent life form that threatens their structure, is to choose my own subjects at school. And lets be honest, because my community is so against people branching out there were a small selection to begin with.
Short of abandoning my family and taking refuge in another persons home for a the next two years, I have nothing I can do to make my own decisions. I was forced into this move. When we get there, I will be forced into paying the bills because my mother never made the choice to get an education and thus a good job, she chose to be a waitress all her life. Because of the choice of location I will be forced into studying the course I want to study via correspondence. Even though my name will be on the lease of the house, I will get no say in anything that happens within said house. Mum intends on having a uni student move in, mum intends on reconnecting the phone and internet with a specific company that I dislike, mum gets to make all the decisions, and I get to pay for it.
I'm sick of being the person that has to deal with everything my mother cannot. She makes so many commitments to so many things, and mostly they are costing her money, and almost always I have to bail her out. It's not my job, at not even 19 years old, to spend my money cleaning up after her. She should stop and sort out what she can afford before dragging me into her messes. But I don't get a choice. It's go along with everything she wants or basically end up with no future, no home to live in, no qualifications, no ability to create the future I envision myself living and nothing to rely on. I don't want to be like that, I've grown up with two parents who never did anything but live on what they earn and never saved a cent. My father was a high school drop out and my mother finished year 12 when her eldest daughter did.
I want to be able to say that I am better than that, I want to have the ability to make my dreams come true, and with the position I am being forced into right now, it's not going to happen. I will not be putting my name on a lease after this year, I will be moving out in 12 months, paying my own way through life and then moving overseas where I feel I belong better. I will be selling my car in 6 months and I will be putting the money into a saving account and nobody can stop me. It's the end of the line, I turn 19 in 20 days and I will not be held back by people who never got anywhere in life.
I'm sick of everyone giving me hour long lectures about sucking it up for my mother and moving to Queensland for her. Everyone sees things from her side because she has no life, no friends, no money and now, no possessions. I have things, I have money, I have a future, and while I only have a few of them, I have friends. I have the ability to get away, and I'm sick of people not seeing things from this side, the side that has never had a choice in the matter, the side that gets dragged along no matter what, the side that would still have to suffer even if she didn't put any effort into helping with this ridiculous adventure.
I don't want to move, I don't want to act as my mothers bank account constantly, I don't want to have everything I've ever saved for and bought for myself to be used however she sees fit, and I will not put up with it forever. 2 years is my limit in this country. 1 year is my limit in a house with her. 6 months is the limit for my bank account to sit on empty for everyone else. I'm done playing along with everyone elses ride, I'm building my own track and starting my own ride. This is my life, and I will live it as I see fit, despite everyone elses opinions.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, December 08, 2011
It's raining, it's pouring...
You know those days when it's already a bad day, and you've already hit the bottom of your mood scale, yet the world decides to torture you by making nothing go right? I'm having one of those today.
I woke up this morning in an awful mood so I stayed in bed. I just lay in bed until after noon, then decided to get up. Only to find my some what sister here on her lunch break. Now I love Louise, she has been a big part of my life over the past 10 years, but especially in the last year. Over the past few weeks she has taken it upon herself, without actually knowing of my abilities, of the things I do around the house and of the things that are and have been my responsibilities over the past two years, the job of lecturing me every time I breathe. So I got out of bed, in an already bad mood only to receive the longest lecture known to man about how I need to grow up, act my age, start paying the bills which are in fact my mothers bills, start taking responsibility and suck up the fact that we are moving.
Now, as far as moving goes, I think I've come to the understanding that I have no choice and have thus sorted out my intentions for the next two years despite wanting to be approximately 30 hours from the destination which is planned. My level of responsibility around my home often borders on child labour since I am the one who mostly makes sure we are not in debt or having power, phone lines or water cut off or being evicted, so I think I'm plenty capable of handling money and taking responsibility for myself. And as for whatever reasons she has that I am incapable of looking after myself, she should look at her own life and the way her home is run instead of saying that I need to grow up.
So after she left I returned to bed for a little while, to watch more Gossip Girl, because it was my escape route today. Only to find myself spending my afternoon fighting back tears, which I can assure you is a difficult thing for me to do. If it comes to the point I want to cry, and my body actually reaches a point of tears forming, it is obviously effecting me far worse than anyone realises.
It comes to the evening, and my mother has to go and babysit for Louise. She leaves, and reminds me that dinner is cooking. So I decided to wait until the end of the episode of Gossip Girl I was watching to go and get myself some food. When I went to check on the food, it had stuck to the bottom of the pan, everything I tried to touch was destroyed because it was stuck. So I got my food, took it to my room and then people turned up to look at a bed we are selling.
They were two ladies, and one was a blonde with a face that appeared to have had more work done that Heidi Montag to put it nicely. She spent the entire time giving me extremely dirty looks, and I was not at all comfortable with that. However, the other lady seemed nice enough. After they left, they let my dogs out the front door and they like to run away for a minute, so that was fun. Then my sisters small dog refused to come back inside. Instead she went and stood in the backyard until my sister came home and made her come inside. While I was outside trying to make one dog come inside, the other tried to eat my food and it began to rain.
So here I am, with a phone that refuses to do anything that makes it a phone instead of a torch, internet that is barely functioning due to an incompetent provider and family members with no respect towards the capabilities of the internet and the rain pouring outside my bedroom window. I'm not entirely sure my mood could get any worse, but I'm not going to test it because I don't particularly enjoy crying and that is the point I am at right now.
I still don't want to move, I intend on getting a tattoo next month while I'm living with my sister, I have to pay bills for things I'm not using while I stay in Canberra and everyone else is in Hervey Bay and I'm really not sure when I'm going to get there due to a lack of flights. I have 7 nights until the journey begins and who knows how many until it ends. On another note, HSC results and ATAR's are released next week and I know I need a 63.5 and I'm freaking out because I don't think I will get it, and then I have no backup plan. If I don't get those marks, my backup plan is ruined since my first plan was destroyed at the hands of other people.
I hope everyone has a happy holiday period and celebrates in style.
I woke up this morning in an awful mood so I stayed in bed. I just lay in bed until after noon, then decided to get up. Only to find my some what sister here on her lunch break. Now I love Louise, she has been a big part of my life over the past 10 years, but especially in the last year. Over the past few weeks she has taken it upon herself, without actually knowing of my abilities, of the things I do around the house and of the things that are and have been my responsibilities over the past two years, the job of lecturing me every time I breathe. So I got out of bed, in an already bad mood only to receive the longest lecture known to man about how I need to grow up, act my age, start paying the bills which are in fact my mothers bills, start taking responsibility and suck up the fact that we are moving.
Now, as far as moving goes, I think I've come to the understanding that I have no choice and have thus sorted out my intentions for the next two years despite wanting to be approximately 30 hours from the destination which is planned. My level of responsibility around my home often borders on child labour since I am the one who mostly makes sure we are not in debt or having power, phone lines or water cut off or being evicted, so I think I'm plenty capable of handling money and taking responsibility for myself. And as for whatever reasons she has that I am incapable of looking after myself, she should look at her own life and the way her home is run instead of saying that I need to grow up.
So after she left I returned to bed for a little while, to watch more Gossip Girl, because it was my escape route today. Only to find myself spending my afternoon fighting back tears, which I can assure you is a difficult thing for me to do. If it comes to the point I want to cry, and my body actually reaches a point of tears forming, it is obviously effecting me far worse than anyone realises.
It comes to the evening, and my mother has to go and babysit for Louise. She leaves, and reminds me that dinner is cooking. So I decided to wait until the end of the episode of Gossip Girl I was watching to go and get myself some food. When I went to check on the food, it had stuck to the bottom of the pan, everything I tried to touch was destroyed because it was stuck. So I got my food, took it to my room and then people turned up to look at a bed we are selling.
They were two ladies, and one was a blonde with a face that appeared to have had more work done that Heidi Montag to put it nicely. She spent the entire time giving me extremely dirty looks, and I was not at all comfortable with that. However, the other lady seemed nice enough. After they left, they let my dogs out the front door and they like to run away for a minute, so that was fun. Then my sisters small dog refused to come back inside. Instead she went and stood in the backyard until my sister came home and made her come inside. While I was outside trying to make one dog come inside, the other tried to eat my food and it began to rain.
So here I am, with a phone that refuses to do anything that makes it a phone instead of a torch, internet that is barely functioning due to an incompetent provider and family members with no respect towards the capabilities of the internet and the rain pouring outside my bedroom window. I'm not entirely sure my mood could get any worse, but I'm not going to test it because I don't particularly enjoy crying and that is the point I am at right now.
I still don't want to move, I intend on getting a tattoo next month while I'm living with my sister, I have to pay bills for things I'm not using while I stay in Canberra and everyone else is in Hervey Bay and I'm really not sure when I'm going to get there due to a lack of flights. I have 7 nights until the journey begins and who knows how many until it ends. On another note, HSC results and ATAR's are released next week and I know I need a 63.5 and I'm freaking out because I don't think I will get it, and then I have no backup plan. If I don't get those marks, my backup plan is ruined since my first plan was destroyed at the hands of other people.
I hope everyone has a happy holiday period and celebrates in style.
Saturday, December 03, 2011
December.
So it's December. It's also 28 days until both the new year and my 19th birthday. After this year having been such an insane mess, I am quite glad to see the new year in. A few small detours in plans have been made, and unfortunately, the disorder of my life right now is starting to mess with my head. This combined with the huge changes headed my way, I'm lost in the maze that is my mind, and nothing is working right. My thoughts are jumbled, my emotions are scattered and worse of all, I can't seem to find the motivation to actually do anything productive because of it all.
Even worse than that, my other, more public blog, has been recently followed by a few people I am quite close to. And while I don't mind that too much, the fact that the person I trust least and live with, that being my younger sister, is now reading my blog, I feel unsafe posting my thoughts on there. With that outlet no longer available, I'm not entirely sure what to do to offload my emotions and thoughts. My inability to talk to people about it is certainly not helping, and I can assure you, I have tried, but it's just not comfortable for me. It's easier to write it all out where anyone can read it, but nobody can really give me feedback.
There are so many things running around that I want to just spit out at the nearest person, but I can't find the words. I just want to curl up in bed for weeks knowing that I'm not even sure where I will be for Christmas or my birthday. I hate not having plans that are set in stone, so it's truly driving me insane. My feelings towards people in general and also specific people are all jumbled too, because I'm sure the stress of everything is just taking a toll in a strange way. If someone would please just sort out all of my issues so I don't have to, I will be very grateful.
I am entirely sure that most of this post did not make sense, and will therefore reflect my thoughts quite well. Since everything is still quite crazy, even outside of my head, I would like to preemptively wish everyone who reads this a happy holidays and a great entrance into the new year.
Even worse than that, my other, more public blog, has been recently followed by a few people I am quite close to. And while I don't mind that too much, the fact that the person I trust least and live with, that being my younger sister, is now reading my blog, I feel unsafe posting my thoughts on there. With that outlet no longer available, I'm not entirely sure what to do to offload my emotions and thoughts. My inability to talk to people about it is certainly not helping, and I can assure you, I have tried, but it's just not comfortable for me. It's easier to write it all out where anyone can read it, but nobody can really give me feedback.
There are so many things running around that I want to just spit out at the nearest person, but I can't find the words. I just want to curl up in bed for weeks knowing that I'm not even sure where I will be for Christmas or my birthday. I hate not having plans that are set in stone, so it's truly driving me insane. My feelings towards people in general and also specific people are all jumbled too, because I'm sure the stress of everything is just taking a toll in a strange way. If someone would please just sort out all of my issues so I don't have to, I will be very grateful.
I am entirely sure that most of this post did not make sense, and will therefore reflect my thoughts quite well. Since everything is still quite crazy, even outside of my head, I would like to preemptively wish everyone who reads this a happy holidays and a great entrance into the new year.
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